Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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