I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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