In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
