I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just found puke in my bra..
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
