i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
40s are totally the cure
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
