I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
