I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
