you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
