you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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