Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
