K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
