Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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