laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
