my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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