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I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
