new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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