I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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