wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think my fart just growled at me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
