P.S. I can't hear my feet
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
