Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
