dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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