don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
