Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
