Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
