You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
