I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
can u get pink eye on your cock?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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