now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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