you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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