I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
