just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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