I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
