Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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