Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sext me about skeletons
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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