so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
