i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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