next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
