May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
