My nipple is on Facebook.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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