everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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