My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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