I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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