I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
