I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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