do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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