If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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