Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
