have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Is Oprah even human
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
