Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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