we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
