i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
