Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
